So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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