rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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