I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
