you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
