Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
