I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
