Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
