You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
