I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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