Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
not ubering you a puppy
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
