if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
