i love accidental penises.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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