I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
