Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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