Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Boobs are out for the taking
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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