Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
babies were throwing up all over the place
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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