i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize