My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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