my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
