That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
