all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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