That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
