wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
