She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
