I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
