For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
