You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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