Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
