My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
And then he peed in my hair
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