I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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