dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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