so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
