Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
