I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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