it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Randomize
