Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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