are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
