the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
