Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
