I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize