we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
