If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
