she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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