I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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