i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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