i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
