My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
