I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
