Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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