you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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