his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
