Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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