I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
