I can text with my tongue
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
