Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
