I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize