I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
