At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
