I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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