Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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