Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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