Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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